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I REGRET EVERYTHING (2008)
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Columbia, Missouri – it’s the land of milk and honey
However you slice it, we’re perfect in every way
Columbia, Missouri – it’s the town for rearing children
Come pay us a visit and you’ll see just what we mean.
For instance we all like brave new ideas and the arts
As long as they’re not controversial of overly smart.
We like our artists to rehash the Tigers on the Quad,
Then we rush out when the snow falls to put columns on our postcards!
Columbia, Missouri where everyone’s white and normal
We spend every weekend maintaining our lush front lawns
Columbia, Missouri where everyone’s shirt is tucked-in
The crime-rate is lower, ‘cause we all have nine to fives
And when we cheer for our home team, we bleed black and gold
Our shirts are off and we are at the game if it’s hot or cold
And if we go to the RagTag downtown to see a show
Then we can expose our children to left-wing hippie propaganda!
Late in the night I lie awake and dream
about what my life could be like if I left home
And left my safe secure college town
What would I do without my college town
without my ten-minute commute to anywhere
Regret will grow and grow and grow and grow and grow!
Wait a minute! If I move to the city, just think of all the new and interesting people I’ll meet. More job opportunities, more streets to walk on, more . . . people who don’t know my name!
Guess I’ll stay in Missourah.
What’ll I do? Jah-uh-ah! I can’t make up my mind! I don’t have a choice! So many things are telling me to stay here! I gotta go back to Columbia!
Columbia, Missouri where Walmarts outnumber people
We visit each weekday to fill up on skids of beef!
Columbia, Missouri it’s the land of milk and honey
However you slice it
However you dice it
However you splice it
We know you'll like it
Columbia, Missouri you’re okay! COLUMBIA!
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