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I REGRET EVERYTHING (2008)
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Hey, Uncle John.
Hey, there Greg.
Whatcha reading?
Well, if you must know, I’m reading about this upcoming presidential election.
Oh, yeah? Who’re you gonna vote for this time, Uncle John?
Well, I’ll tell you who I’m not gonna vote for – I sure as hell ain’t gonna vote for some Osama Bin Hussein character who’s gonna let grown men put their penises into each other’s butts.
Oh . . .
That is gonna be the downfall of this entire nation. You just wait. You’ll probably see it in your lifetime – World War III is going to erupt – and all because we’re gonna have some wacko black terrorist for a president who’s letting grown men put their penises into other men’s butts.
Well, what about the economy, Uncle John? And the war? Those things are important, too, right?
The economy? The war? Listen, son, you gotta get your priorities in line. Our economy is important and so is the war, but they really just take a back seat to this penis-in-the-butt bullcrap. It’s just not natural, Greg. But I’ll tell you what I do know about our economy. I know it’d be doing a hell of a lot better if all these politicians would quit letting all these penises go into butts all the time.
I don’t think there’s a correlation there, Uncle John.
Are you kidding me? First you let people start putting their penises into butts, then we got an economy going to hell that you seem to be so worried about, we got a war, we got all sorts of chaos and terrorist attacks. Why do you think all this stuff’s going on? Wake up, Greg! This penis-in-the-butt bullcrap is directly causing the downfall of our great nation. And we gotta put a stop to it. We gotta come into these people’s homes and watch ‘em and make sure they never, ever for even a second even think about putting their penis into a butt. If two grown men want to play house in my country, well, they’re gonna have to answer to me – ‘cause I’ll kill ‘em. I will murder the next two grown men I see playing house in my country – uh-uh – no sir, not on my watch. I mean, how do you think your Aunt Georgia and I felt when we saw two men getting married on the TV?
I don’t know.
It made us feel like fools. It undermined our marriage. It made our marriage a joke. And now, we’re getting divorced – all because of these men marrying each other. Your Aunt Georgia just couldn’t take it.
Well, I’m just gonna vote for someone who will turn the economy around and try to solve the Iraq war.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there buddy – you watch yourself in my house. You be careful. Before we solve this war overseas – we gotta solve the war at home – and I’m talking about the war between civilized people and the penis-in-the-butt people. Gall-dang-it, son – get you’re priorities in line – how do you expect us to help other countries like Iraq when we got people putting their penises into butts on our own soil? It’s getting to where you can hardly escape penis-in-the-butt action these days – and I’ll be damned if I let some sort black Osama Hussein into office – cause once we got grown men playing house all over the nation, that’s when this country will collapse . . . you mark my words, Greg. You mark my words. So, fuck the economy. Fuck war! We gotta keep these faggots in check – that’s the important thing.
Okay, Uncle John. I'm gonna see what's going on in the kitchen.
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