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I REGRET EVERYTHING (2008)
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Science gave us Xanax, Zoloft, and PCP
Technology gave us RCA, Radio, and TV
And if you don’t watch yourself, you’ll seize dependency
So why not embrace something natural?
Not these things that are unnatural
Relieve your stress with something God gave you
A cheap and easy way to find relief
Every minute of this life is fairly ferocious
A vicious, unfair saga of grief
That’s why I say to you that:
Life is too short, not to have orgasms
Have as many as you can
As many as you can
Jerk your perk at work, in between phone calls
Yank your crank on the freeway, driving your kids to school
But be sure to watch yourself, if your kids carpool
Stir your fur at funerals, and death won’t get you down
Smack your slack during arguments, and sure your wife will frown
But if you go and time it right, she’ll probably leave the town
So why not try this advanced anti-stress technique
It’s Guaranteed to improve your brain’s physique
Relieve your stress with something God gave you
A somewhat messy way to find relief
Every minute of this life is fairly ferocious
Find a single minute to escape your grief
That’s why I say to you that:
Life is too short, not to have orgasms
Have as many as you can
As many as you can
Choke your rope at the grocery store, it beats waiting in line
Whack your pack when you’re getting mugged, at least that’s not a crime
And if you pump it quick enough, you won’t even lose a dime
It’s best not to do this alone, in fact you should find a friend
Cause we know there’s nothing worse, than always playing pretend
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