Does it Make Sense for Me to Spend Two Hours Every Week for the Rest of My Life Mowing My Lawn?
No, it does not. Mowing is a waste of valuable time and money.
Should I smoke unfiltered cigarettes?
No. There is no return on investment.
Is there such thing as a 'soul-mate'?
No. A soul must exist before a soul-mate can exist.
Should I cheat on school assignments?
Yes, but only on tedious busywork that provides you with no educational value.
Is the death penalty okay?
Yes. The fewer humans, the better, regardless of guilt.
How about hate-crimes?
Hate-crimes are just as bad as "regular crimes."
Should I tithe?
Ha-ha-ha-ha, no, of course not. There are much more charitable things you can do with your money. Paying to heat an unnecessary building in which the deluded middle-class can hob-nob is a poor allocation of funds. Donate to a food bank instead.
Should I clone my dead child?
No, you do not need a child.
Can I trust anyone?
No. Everyone is selfish and out to use you.
My wife got fat . . . should I have an affair?
Yes, you are selfish and superficial.
My husband went bald . . . should I have an affair?
Yes, you are selfish and superficial.
Should I spend more money than I earn?
No, that is reckless and irresponsible.
But I have credit cards.
It doesn't matter, you still have to pay off your credit cards at some point.
Are you sure?
Yes. If you don't, the proper authorities will hunt you down and take your children.
Should I have children?
No. Everyone is born to suffer, so do them a favor and keep them safe and unborn.
Oops, I got diabetes.
You shouldn't have done that. Quit drinking gallons of soft drinks for God's sake.
Should I donate money to the Republican party?
No, put your money to better use by getting some shiny new hubcaps for your car.
Should I donate money to the Democratic party?
No, put your money to better use by getting some shiny new hubcaps for your car.
Should I vote?
No. You cannot make a difference.
Should I keep my gun loaded?
No, pulling a gun during a threatening situation will only increase your odds of being shot.
Should I watch television?
No, you actually use more brain power staring at a blank wall than watching television.
Is Jerry Seinfeld really funny?
No.
Should I purchase an iPod?
Yes, it's a great way to organize your music.
Should I purchase multiple iPods?
No, you can only listen to one at a time.
Should I flaunt my iPod?
No, that's pathetic and annoying.
Should I listen to my iPod every single chance I get, even if I'm just going for a 5-minute walk?
No, you should try thinking sometimes.
Should I depend on my iPod for my identity?
No, it is an MP3 player.
How about my car?
No, it is a motor vehicle. It has very little to do with your identity.
Is magic real?
No, it is all an illusion.
What about Criss Angel? His magic is real, right?
No, it is all an illusion using traditional "magic" techniques and more modern video-editing and special-effects tricks.
Is Criss Angel Jesus?
No.
Criss Angel's show is on A&E though . . . it must be real.
No, magic is not real.
Should I lie to myself on a daily basis?
No, we would all be better off if we actively pursued facts about ourselves and our world.
But what if I prefer living in a fantasy world?
Then you must accept the fact that you are mentally ill.
But a lot of people live in a fantasy world, so it's okay, right?
No, it's not okay. A lot of people are morons.
Should I eat a whopper with cheese everyday after work?
No, you will give yourself diabetes and a heart attack.
Should I eat Snickers bars and Cheetos all day in my cubicle at work?
No, you will give yourself diabetes and a heart attack.
Should I read books?
Yes.
Why?
Reading increases your comprehension abilities, which makes you a faster learner.
But I just want to watch TV.
Watching television decreases your comprehension abilities, which makes you a slower learner. The formulaic nature of television programming also decreases your creativity and lowers your standards for entertainment.
What's Frank Reed's middle name?
It doesn't matter, it's a pseudonym.
Oh . . . I have a Frequently Asked Question . . . can I submit it for an answer?"
Yes. Email your question to frankreedrecords@gmail.com and it will be promptly answered and posted.
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